Half-Gay

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I hate telling people I'm Bisexual, I really do. I hate, hate, hate it. And usually I won't.  The word just has so many bad implications. Bisexual is just a stop on the road to Lesbian. Bisexual is just a phase people go through in College. Bisexual is fashionable, bisexuals are unfaithful, bisexuals are hip. Bisexuality is fake.

And it's a double-whammy that I'm a teenage girl.

Some people say 'Pansexual', but since it's not a conventionally-known word, it's not useful. Constant explanation doesn't lend itself well to acceptance.

I don't know what to call me if I can help it and I don't want to. (In case you haven't noticed, this post is going to be just full of random musings about my inclinations and little tidbits about my failed romantic history. And other personal stuff. My brain's been here lately.)

I've heard a lot lately about friends who've come out, their 'coming  out' experience. I never had a coming out experience, I guess. It was actually more confusing than anything else. For as long as I can remember, I have felt no inclination against girls or guys. The thought of being with either didn't disgust me or feel weird. But I wasn't romantically focused at that age, so I just shrugged it off.

But I eventually started crushing on girls more than anybody else. Started out with a girl I used to hang out with in elementary school, like, every recess. Little Filipina, really sweet, really quiet. I just wanted to be with her a lot, be around her. Middleschool came around, we fell apart; she got really popular and even prettier, started hating me. Or pretending to. She'd get with her little clique and they'd make fun of me in subtle, distinctly female ways. I remember how fucking much it hurt, not just because of the crush, but because suddenly everything we were, everything we had and did meant nothing and I was dirt. She'd found a better bunch of friends. But I just kind of let her insults run down my back, whatever. If she's happy with this, really happy, whatever. I don't want anything to do with her.

My highschool (and the middle school leading to it) was really, really accepting of sexuality. Diverse, they called it. They prided themselves on it. And that had a lot of good to it! There were a lot of gays, bis, trans in the population. Students were free to explore this. And nobody judged eachother (Okay, lie. But it was subtle and few, compared. More about that later.)

Fuck, the football team had gays on their team, and a woman, and they were all really defensive of total strangers. Someone's getting beaten up in the hall, especially if it's sexuality-based, they're gonna get beaten back by these big guys, constantly roaming the halls. It was really cool, I'd seen it happen a few times.  Had some friends on the team, too. Really great guys.

So the school funded a lot of stuff, LGBT clubs, GSA clubs. It was really cool in that sense.

Now the downside to that was, with no consequence (or even praise) there were a lot more girls who were in it for the fashion. They'd go to these clubs, form their own cliques. Because of this, I had a real difficulty finding people to connect with, to relate to.
I couldn't relate to the bi-girls here, I just couldn't. God, I tried. I just, I don't have any interest whatsoever in raving, in Hot Topic, in making out with my girlfriend in front of Christian fundamentalists. I don't want to club, I don't want this community. I can't do that. What I do want is a girl or guy who'll be loyal to me, maybe love me or, damn, share my interests. Those interests just don't include getting high and making out with random rave-chicks cause I'M LOL SO GAY. I'm not some butch-lesbian, I'm not some lipstick raver.

And of course, it was straight girls that picked on me the most. Either up-front to my face, or under the guise of subtle "SHE LIKES GIRLS SHE MUST LIKE ME EWW". Occasionally one of the aforementioned bi-chicks and a dear friend of mine at the time would regularly get up in their faces about it. She was small, but scary when you pissed her off.

But I do find I crush on girls more often, so I'll talk about girls here. Maybe try to decrypt it all.

I actually had better luck identifying with lesbians-- just because they didn't have an identity. Lesbians didn't have a little club or a fashion, they were just girls who were attracted to girls. Usually overshadowed by the bi chicks.

As a matter of fact, the next girl in my life was a lesbian. Or, she identified with me as a 'largely asexual lesbian'. Italian chick, really smart, really down-to-earth. We both loved everything from Emilie Autumn to Repo!. It was an immediate connection. We talked for hours, hung out places. We basically shared a faith, meaning her mom dragged me along on her coven's sabbat-celebrations (Hella fun.) But I was really retarded, I guess. On hindsight, I wish I'd been a little more forward with her. I think both of us were too stupid or naive to know what was going on. We kissed, a lot. We held hands. Rituals. We danced at the school dance. We were fiercely protective of eachother. But I guess neither of us took that second step to really acknowledge it as a relationship. So I moved, we fell out of contact.

So I went through the rest of my life, doing school, doing work. Trying to get my life straightened out.
In that time I made a lot of friends, no relationships. No interest in relationships. I never really felt any pity for myself, save for the occasional pang of "Hey, you! People are on their 3rd Ex by 16! You're turning 18 and you've never even had one! What the hell is wrong with you?"
To which I'd reply "You know the answer to that one, brain. And if you're going to plague me with involving thoughts could you not do it while I'm driving? Kthnx."

I've made a lot of male friends, a lot of them. I've just always gotten along better with guys. I don't know if I just have more guy-interests or what. A lot of them I'd date, sure. But I've never really seen that as a possibility. I think it's just that part of my brain that can't fathom the concept that anyone would ever find me attractive, it's an absolute. I'm not a great-looking person. I don't wear expensive clothes, I'm not a skinny little slip. That or for all the talks we have, they figure I'm a lesbian or just a really cool chick to talk to or game with so I don't go for it, or even assume to. And I'm fine with that, you know? I've got some awesome friends I wouldn't trade for the world. It's actually not a self-pity thing, it's just a fact I've come to accept.

But the fact remains that I am attracted to guys, so I can't honestly call myself gay.

To wind up Regan's ADVENTURES IN ROMANCE is Melony. I'm not going to bother hiding her name cause none of you know her.

Met a nice girl in Medford OR, when I was staying with my aunt. Tall, brown hair, skinny. Really gorgeous in a plain sort of way. But she for whatever reason wanted to talk to me a lot, ask a lot about me. We hung out, she'd go out of her way to hang out with me. She took me to shows, to movies, took me out to dinner.

To be entirely honest and pathetic, I thought we were dating. She held my hand a lot, hugged, lots of touching. I wasn't smitten, but I really really liked her.

And THEN.
She starts talking to me about religion.
About my faith, my church. Less about me, more about God.

I should have assumed by her skirts, turns out she was just a Mormon girl my aunt secretly set up to hang out with me, and I figure, pull me into the church.
She wasn't even setting these things up, my aunt was.

I stopped wanting to hang out with her, and luckily, ended up going home to Puyallup. But fuck did that hurt. It really fucking hurt.

I guess since then I've been focused on school and work. I've kind of given up, honestly. It's not something I'm missing, or I feel like I'm missing. If someone comes along, fine. Cool. If they don't? That's cool too, whatever.

I don't actually know where this journal entry was supposed to go or close, or what I'm trying to say. But I've never written about this, sorted my thoughts. So there it is.
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